Fried Eggs Over Nantucket
by micman60
Summary: A collection of oneshots I thought I should have gotten around to making. From Rollercoaster Tycoon H scenes to Captain Falcon exterminating the last megacluster of platypi in Australia, this thing is a real mixed bag. Enter if you dare.
1. Friction

Friction

By micman60

AN: Holy crap, this is such a stupid idea x_x. The whole fic, not just this story.

**==RCT==**

They started slow. Rising, and falling. Rising, and falling. The twists, the turns, the droplets of water on their backs. Colliding with the friction-heated skin that sizzled with pleasure. They weaved, they bobbed, they rose again... and with a mighty scream, they came down again, the hot skin of them both cooling. It was a ritual they did every day, but they never got tired of it. It was their destiny.

"Yo Bob, wanna go on The Curdler again?"

"Hell yeah, bro, that rollercoaster was sweet!"

**AN: **And that starts off my collection of stories-that-are-totally-not-creepy-but-totally-are.


	2. Cap'n

Epic Journey

A micman60 Production

**==Cap'n==**

Captain Falcon. The man of men. Intergalactic bounty hunter, F-Zero racer, serial womanizer. The person every woman wants to be with, and who every man wants to be. And sometimes, the person even the _men _want to be with.

But not all is good in the land of Falcon. You see, Cap'n Falc thought he was completely fearless. Giant 5-headed mafia kingpins. Octopusmen. Samurai Goroh. All feared him, and envied his epic manliness. So what could be worse than the 3 most vile, horrendous, _**SWEATY **_terrors of the universe?

Platypi. That is to say, the plural of platypus.

Every time he heard of the vile creatures, Captain's scrotum would shrink to the size of a small change-purse. The bone-chilling mish-mash of unimaginable horror kept him awake for weeks on end, ruining his appetite and his driving prowess. Until 1 day, when Captain Falcon came **DEAD LAST IN AN F-ZERO CUP**.

It was right then and there, being booed and heckled by the crowd, when he realised his true mission: To wipe out all the platypi on Earth.

**==Cap'n==**

For 40 days and 40 nights, he travelled across outback Australia on a Camelephant, hunting the legendary Spring of Platypi which was said to hold the last megacluster of platypi in the world. There was rain, immense heat, starvation and the death of Charlie the Camelephant... but Captain Falcon kept going, as if there were shrapnel in his back and a dog tearing his nads apart.

And on the 81st day, he found it. the last 10,000 wild platypi in the world. NEXT TO AYERS ROCK.

Needless to say, SHIT. GOT. REAL.

**==Cap'n==**

The Platypi had been tipped off by Black Shadow nearly a day in advance, and by god were they ready for him. They dove all over the sweaty, bleeding man and dug their venomous claws into his skin, filling him with their painful poison until there was not an inch of him that had not been covered in holes. That shit could have dropped Chuck Norris. But did it drop Cap'n Falc?

NO. FUCKIN'. **WAY**.

Mustering the last of his energy, he gave a mighty yell and unleashed his ultimate move:

"FALCON PUUUUUUUUNCH!"

and he Falcon Punched fuckin' **ULARU**.

The stone crumbled from the ancient rock, kept so well preserved through the many eons. And after the aftershocks had stopped, and the dust had cleared, the platypi **SIMULTANEOUSLY** **SHAT THEMSELVES**.

There was Captain Falcon making Duke Nukem his prison bitch, in glorious stone, to be kept for an eternity. The Platypi tried to run... but it was too late. It had begun.

Stone Falcon began to move, bits of ancient rock dropping off his physique. He picked up a large chunk of rock and, breaking it with his forehead, made an electric guitar.

Then he planted a foot of Duke's ass while he cried like a pussy, and he started playing the **FUCKING MUTE CITY THEME**.

Multiple orgasmic rainbows shot out of Stone Falcon's crotch, aiming straight at the platypi. Falcon had done his research.

Platypi were allergic to crotch rainbows.

**==Cap'n==**

By the end of the day, Australia was just a crater of smouldering sex. And in the middle sat not just Stone Falcon, but Captain Falcon himself beating the everliving crap out of nuns and pastors trying to punish them for their moral crimes against the world. And after they were all gone, Stone Falcon and Cap'n Falcon flew off into the cosmos, never to be seen again.

AN: This is officially the coolest thing I have ever done. If you're going to complain about how there was never any 5-headed mafia kingpins, or how a spring full of a "megacluster" of platypi is absolutely impossible, or how "derailed" *makes pansy hand* Captain Falcon is, gtho. Now.


	3. Doctor

The Doctor

Fandom: 666satan/O-Parts Hunter

**==666==**

Meet Doctor Turner. He is just like your average doctor, specialising in physical injuries. He is a very famous doctor, having traveled up and down the continent just to help the wounded.

A strange case troubled dear Doctor Turner, for it was a case that would be paid for by the Zenom Corporation. The word Zenom never meant good news, especially when injuries were involved. Packing his steathoscope, he set off.

=6=

Once arrived, he was briefed on "absolute confidentiality" and how severe the punishment would be if he were to tell another living soul about any injuries he may sustain during his patient's treatment. He was also told how he could avoid such injuries. Of course, he had heard this brief many times before. The last time he had heard it, he had almost gotten himself killed while performing surgery on a mad jugglar. Near death experiences have a way of grinding safety rules into your brain.

After the briefing, he was ushered into a cell. There lay a skinheaded man with the number of the beast, 666, stained on his forehead. Doctor Turner tried to ask him questions, but every time the patient would just answer:

"Cold. I'm... so cold."

**==666==**

The good doctor went back outside after about half an hour, where he was escorted to "The Transaction Room". He was very familiar with this room, for it's riches had saved his hide time and time again. On the table lay a sack of money, and behind that was a man, casually smoking a cigar, shrouded in darkness.

"Well, good doctor," his "employer" began, "what do you suggest we do to help our patient?"

Doctor Turner began to sweat. He swallowed the lump in his throat, and gaining all the courage he could, said:

"Get that man a blanket!"

And with that, he took his sack of money and left. Never to be seen again.

"Uhh, sir?" asked one of the man's bodyguards, "don't you think it was a little cruel to put a venomous snake in that sack of money?"

"Roy, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you'll learn that's the KINDEST thing I coulda done to him!"

And with that, the man threw back his head and laughed toward the heavens.

AN: It's stuff like this that make me stay away from 3rd person. I overemphasize some parts and underemphasise others in rapid succession, creating a lumpy mess of a story. A story should flow together, not sorta... lump together. Plus, seriously, what's with that ending?


	4. Nameless' Adventures in Minecraft Land 1

_I awoke today on the shore of a small beach. Even with my limited memory, I was sure this is not where I should have waken up._

Diaries of a Lost Adventurer

Day 0

I should explain everything. I am, from what I have been able to gather from my memory, a human. However, not an average human. My arms are simply long rectangular boxes. So are my legs. And my torso. I hope my head is not also rectangular, or I may look quite the spectacle!

I do not have a very good memory, likely caused by some kind of blunt trauma to the head. I can remember the most trivial things, but some of the most important information is gone. For example, I remember how to walk, write and pick things up, but I do not remember my name, the name of the language I write so clearly or how to bend my arms. That last one may be due to the transformation, however.

One thing is certain: I am not going to go anywhere just sitting and writing silly musings. I need to build a structure for nighttime, in case I am attacked by a grue.

Though, before I begin my job, I should at least detail how I am chronicling my adventures.

When I woke up, I saw a book and pen at my side. The book was blank, and bound in leather. The pen was full of ink, and had "BIC" written on it.

Who is BIC? Is BIC my name?

Even without knowledge of much else, I can tell that "BIC" would be a stupid name to have.

I must build my structure now, before nighttime. I will chronicle the materials used in the building of my structure when done.

**==Craft==**

It is simply stunning!

I have made it out of dirt, on the beach where I had awoken. It is one space off the ground, with a step to get inside. The walls and roof are all dirt, and I am almost scraping my head on the roof!

While collecting dirt, I came acros several trees. I collected wood from about 3 of them, and ended up with 16 pieces. After building the structure, I am left with 5 chunks of dirt. And I have come into possession of 2 "pork-chops" through a scuffle best left out of the innocent pages of my diary.

All in all, it was a good day. I can only hope the night is good too.

END

AN: This is Chapter 1 of a 3 chapter abandoned fic, which i'll be posting invetween shots of awesomeness. Don't like it? Learn to.


	5. Treachery Afoot! The Ninja Lies!

The year is 2007: The Big Shell has been working non-stop to filter polluted water caused by an oil spill 2 years ago. Or so it seems...

An agent named Raiden has successfully taken down a terrorist group known as Dead Cell threatening to demolish the Big Shell, but in the process has lost the man he was trying to save in the first place: the President. There's more at stake, however, as he has discovered Big Shell is a ruse to hide the development of Arsenal Gear, a war machine fully equipped with nuclear weapons. Raiden has worked alongside the legendary Solid Snake to try and stop Arsenal's prematurely, but...

* * *

><p>"You're changing sides now!" <em>Jack, codename Raiden<em>

"Change sides? I don't recall saying I was on yours." _Dave, codename Solid Snake_

_Solid Snake and a Cyborg Ninja have trapped Raiden. The Cyborg Ninja's sword is basically at Raiden's throat. Slowly, he presses a button on his helmet, revealing himself... as Olga Gurlukovich._

_Things were getting too real for Raiden; he knew that he was about to die. So, he did all that he could do..._

"HEEEEAAAAALLLP!"

''What th-" Snake nearly facepalmed. "No-one can hear you down here, kid."

"Wanna bet?"

And Solid Snake was booted in the side of the head by a suited man wearing a Jetpack.

* * *

><p>After a rousing rendition of Haddaway's <em>What Is Love<em>, Snake and Olga were well on their way to Manhattan Island (the floor broke and they were caught on stray torpedos), and Arsenal Gear was damaged beyond repair. Raiden hitched a ride with the Agents and shouted them a pizza as thanks. He lived happily ever after, in blissful ignorance of The Patriots' success.

**AN:** ...Oh boy. It's a good thing I have a place to dump crappy stories, huh? :P


End file.
